Help Low Self Esteem

You can help low self esteem and increase self confidence by using the following practices...

• Shift from black and white thinking to thinking in grays

• Acknowledge and focus your attention on what you do well

• Get accurate feedback

• Celebrate and learn from your "mistakes" - overcome perfectionism

• Remember most people aren't thinking about you anyway

• Remember you are already whole now

Shift from black and white thinking to thinking in grays

When you're experiencing low self esteem, what are your thoughts about yourself?

For most of us, they're extreme, judgmental, and sometimes related to what you think others think of you... like...

• I'm such an idiot.
• I never do anything right.
• He must think I'm a fat loser.
• They hate me.

If you find yourself experiencing negative self-talk, first apologize to yourself.

Remember that if you talked to a friend like that, she or he wouldn't want to hang out with you.

Then reframe your thoughts to something like...

• I'm new at this skill and still learning. I haven't been able to do it perfectly yet... and that's okay. If I keep practicing, I'll get better.

• I don't know what he thinks. He is talking to me so maybe he likes something about me. And besides, I like myself... I think my eyes are pretty and I really appreciate how willing I am to learn new things. So it would be great if he likes me because I think he's nice and cute, but if he doesn't that's okay, too. I like me.

• They don't all hate me. In fact, some of them seemed to really appreciate what I had to say. Okay, so maybe that one thing I said was kind of awkward, next time I'll do my best to breathe, listen, ask questions and be more conscious of what I'm saying than I did this time.

Click this link for a self help worksheet to shift negative self talk.

Pat yourself on the back!

To help low self esteem, take time regularly to acknowledge something you did well. It is amazing how useful this practice is and how infrequently many people practice it.

In fact, it is helpful to do every day.

Just ask yourself at the end of the day before you go to bed, "What did I do well today?"

Instead of going to bed thinking about all the ways you messed up or all the things you're worried about... try thinking about what you did well and see what happens.

It's also helpful after any special event or circumstance like meeting a new person, a job interview, a presentation, or doing anything that is challenging, to take a few minutes to acknowledge what went well.

When I first started teaching workshops, after each one, I would "beat myself up" with negative self talk. Then I learned to take time after each event to acknowledge what went well. My confidence and pleasure in teaching improved.

Help low self esteem by...
Getting accurate feedback

Getting accurate feedback will help low self esteem by debunking all the imagined negative thoughts you think others are thinking about you and discovering what they really think.

However it is tricky and not always the best way to get low self esteem help.

It's tricky because really self esteem resides in you - in your sense of self - and ultimately it doesn't matter what others think of you.

When you feel at home within yourself and comfortable with who you are, other people will feel comfortable with you because...

Your external world reflects your internal world.

The other thing that is tricky about getting accurate feedback is that others have their own distortions and filters that they're looking at you through which will color their experience of you.

Yet, despite all of this, it can be helpful to get feedback.

Ask people to provide specifics - coach them in how to give you feedback in a way that is helpful. For example, when someone tells you that you did a great job, ask them if they can name one specific thing you did that they liked and what they liked about it.

I don't know if this is true of everyone, but as my sense of self and self esteem has grown, I have been more and more willing to hear "constructive feedback."

When I was younger, I heard all constructive feedback as criticism. My self esteem would plunge.

Now, more often than not, I welcome all kinds of feedback knowing that I will continue to like myself no matter what other people's experience of me is... and through their experience of me I can learn, grow, and possibly provide better services for others.

Celebrating and learning from our "mistakes" - overcoming perfectionism

If you think you have to be perfect, then every time you make a mistake you can end up feeling bad about yourself.

Doing human tasks, I am not perfect and neither are you. This is just the way it is.

And so, we get to keep learning.

I loved the kids movie Meet the Robinsons because of how positive it is. In one scene the main character Lewis tries out his peanut butter and jelly sandwich making machine.

It doesn't work right and sprays peanut butter and jelly all over the people sitting at the table.

Much to Lewis' and the audience's surprise, the people break out into song and dance - celebrating Lewis' mistake.

They tell him that they celebrate mistakes because it is through them we learn and grow.

I still delight in that message and hope that all families will instill it as a value.

So next time you make a "mistake" or something doesn't go as well as you'd hoped, help low self esteem by expressing your gratitude for the opportunity to learn... and ask yourself what can you learn from the experience?

Help low self esteem by...
Remembering most people aren't thinking about you anyway

When you're feeling judged by others, help low self esteem by remembering that most people are more busy thinking about themselves and worrying about their lives than spending time thinking about you.

Remembering we are already whole now

The spiritual path has taught me that I am - and you are - already whole now. That nothing is wrong with me - or you, and neither of us is broken, or needing fixing.

At a level outside of personality, this learning has done more to release me from low self esteem than any of the other techniques.

However, it does take a shift from ego to Essence for me to remember it. Self esteem seems to reside in ego.

In Essence, we just are - not right, not wrong, not good, nor bad.

If you decide to explore this more, I encourage you to go from help low self esteem to spiritual enlightenment - the Path of Awakening.